Ep 4 | When Confidence Feels Far Away

Every leader has a moment. That quiet pause between I think I can, I'm not so sure. Welcome to Tutem Talk with me, Karen Ants. Together, we'll explore what it means to lead with heart, to build confidence not from control, but from connection. Because your leadership isn't about perfection.

It's about presence. And when you trust yourself, your team will too. Join me as we explore leadership in the everyday and beyond. Every leader I've ever worked with has had a moment when confidence felt far away. You know the one.

You're in a meeting, someone asks a question, and suddenly your brain goes quiet. You second guess what you were just about to say. You start scanning the room for someone who looks more sure than you feel. And in that moment, the voice in your head whispers, Maybe I'm not the person for this. If you've ever felt that way, welcome.

You're in good company. I'm Karen Ants, and this is Tutem Talk, where we explore leadership in the everyday and beyond. Today's episode, When Confidence Feels Far Away. Now confidence gets a lot of attention in leadership circles. We're told to show up confidently, speak with confidence, lead with confidence, but rarely are we told how to do that, especially when we don't feel it.

And I think that's because confidence isn't a skill you learn once. It's a relationship you build with yourself. Like any relationship, it takes time, honesty, and yes, a few awkward conversations along the way. When I first started coaching, I thought confidence was something that lived on the other side of success. That once I had more experience, or more letters after my name, I'd finally feel it.

But it didn't work that way. Confidence doesn't appear when the world approves of you. It grows when you begin to trust yourself in real time, especially when things don't go perfectly. We often imagine confident people as having something we don't, like they got a secret manual we somehow missed. But here's the truth: confidence isn't the absence of doubt.

It's the the, decision to move with it. The leaders I coach who seem most confident aren't immune to fear or self doubt. They've just learned to trust their process more than their panic. They don't wait for the feeling of confidence before they act. They act their way into confidence.

And that's something every single one of us can do. One of my clients once said to me, Kara, I'll feel confident once I stop making mistakes. And I smile because wouldn't that be nice? But that's not how growth works. Confidence doesn't come from perfection.

It comes from recovery. From realizing that you made it through the last hard thing and the one before that. From seeing that the world didn't end when you stumbled. From remembering that courage never looks perfect in real time. So if confidence feels far away right now, start smaller.

Look for one small, brave moment. That could mean raising your hand in a meeting when your instinct is to stay quiet. It could mean asking for feedback even though it feels vulnerable. It could mean saying, I don't know yet, but I'll find out. Those are the seeds of genuine confidence.

Because each time you honor that quiet nudge inside, you teach yourself, I can trust me. One of my favorite exercises to give teams is to end the week by naming one moment that took courage, no matter how small. You'd be amazed how quickly self trust grows when you start noticing it. Confidence doesn't start loud. It starts honest.

Now let's talk about the discomfort part because when you're building new confidence, it can feel fake, like you're pretending, and that can trigger all sorts of alarms, especially for those of us who deeply value authenticity. But discomfort isn't dishonesty. It's a sign you're stretching beyond what's familiar. Think about when you first started working out. Your body protested, not because it was wrong, but because it was new.

Confidence works the same way. At first, your brain says, this doesn't feel like me. But if you keep showing up, that stretch becomes your new normal. You're not pretending, you're becoming. Sometimes I'll tell clients, you're not faking it, you're practicing it.

And that's what every strong leader you admire has done too. They practice showing up before they felt ready. They kept practicing until the voice of doubt got quieter, not because it disappeared, because but because it wasn't in charge anymore. Here's a reframe that helps so many of my clients. Don't chase confidence.

Build trust. Trust says, even if I don't have it all figured out, I trust myself to figure it out. It's softer. It's steadier. It's available to you right now.

No applause required. Confidence, in many ways, is the byproduct of self trust. So when confidence feels far away, ask yourself, what would it look like to trust myself in this moment? Maybe it's taking a breath before responding. Maybe it's giving yourself permission to pause instead of push.

Maybe it's remembering that leadership isn't about being flawless. It's about being faithful to your growth. Because when you start leading from trust instead of performance, people feel it. They feel safer around you. They feel invited to trust themselves too.

And that's the kind of leadership that ripples. You know I'm a Gallup certified strengths coach, so I can't resist weaving this part in. Well, I could resist, but I choose not to. When you know your strengths, when you name, claim and aim them, confidence starts to feel less like a performance and more like alignment. You stop trying to lead like someone else and start leading like you.

You realize that your empathy or your analytical mind or your ability to build harmony those aren't weaknesses to be hidden. They're leadership tools that, when used intentionally, create the exact environment your team needs. Because the moment you realize your way of leading is valid, that your wiring is not a fault but a framework, that's when confidence stops feeling far away. It's been within reach the whole time. Confidence isn't something you find, it's something you remember.

So if today you're listening and thinking, I don't feel confident right now, that's okay. Confidence isn't a destination. It's a conversation between who you are and who you're becoming. And the more you practice showing up, especially when it's uncomfortable, the more you realize you were never missing the manual. You were writing it one page at a time.

If it helps, here's a little reflection you can carry with you this week. Think of one moment in the last month when you did something that scared you, and you did it anyway. That's confidence right there. Thank you for listening to Tutem Talk. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with a friend or teammate who might need that reminder today as well.

And if you'd like to explore your own leadership journey through strengths based coaching, you can find me at tutumleadershipcoaching.com or connect with me on LinkedIn. Remember, you don't have to feel confident to be courageous. Just start with one small, brave moment. Until next time, I'm Karen Nance, and this is Tutem Talk. I know you have a lot of options on how you carve out your day and spend your time and I'm honored that you decided to spend some time here today at Tutem Talk.

Remember that, leadership, isn't something that we master once. It's something we grow into moment by moment. My hope is that today offered you a little more clarity, a little more courage, and a reminder that you're not leading alone. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need it too. And remember, confidence doesn't come from having all the answers.

It grows from connection, curiosity, and the courage to keep showing up. I'm Karen Ants, and this has been Tutem Talk, exploring leadership in the everyday and beyond.